Cycle Day 4

This is always the easiest part of the cycle for me, when there's nothing to do, nothing to worry about, except to wait until my period ends and the ultrasounds start to see if any follicles are growing.  No possible pregnancy today, but no possible negative on a test, either, no need to check for spotting, no possible new bad news.

It's been so long, so many years and months and cycles of thinking about gearing up for a possible pregnancy or hoping for one or mourning the possibility of one yet again, that I can't even really remember what life was like when it was always like it is right now, at this easy part of the cycle, this tiny sliver of respite.

And I can't image what it will be like when I'm past this stage of life, either a parent or living child-free--I can't even imagine who I willl be then, since this has been the reality for so long, and since I feel like I've had to give up so much of my former life to focus so much of my energy on TTC in my 40s. 

I used to, simultaneously:

• Live in 2 countries, Japan (where T is from), and the US, where I'm from--spending about 4 months a year at home, 8 months a year in Japan
• Teach writing at the college level in the US
• Run my own writing company
• Run an award-winning global literary series
• Publish articles and essays in major publications

Now I'm just infertile.

I live full-time in Japan because the traveling is too hard on the effort to conceive.  I no longer teach.  I no longer run my literary series.  I no longer publish.

I go to the fertility clinic and struggle to communicate with the nurses and doctors in Japanese.  I try to exercise gently every day and meditate and fight off despair. I try to eat well.  I try to remember every day how lucky I am to be with my husband who I adore, and I try to love him well. I try to ovulate.

But at base, it feels like all I am is just infertile.

What's Getting Me Through Today:

• A new, pre-ovulation MP3 I downloaded from Anji online (http://www.anjionline.com/).  Don't love it but I like it.  It's calming and I like having something new to try and it's a nice variation to my standby favorite, the Bellaruth Naperstak MP3s.
• The new batch of "healing" soup I made based on a recipe from a Chinese Medicine cookbook called A Spoonful of Ginger (http://www.amazon.com/Spoonful-Ginger-Irresistible-Health-Giving-Kitchens/dp/0375400362), which I love. Basically, I simmer chicken pices (about 2 1/2 pounds, with bone) with smashed ginger (6 slices), smashed scallion (6 stalks), water (9 cups) and sake (1 cup) for 1 1/2 hours.  Then I take  serving or two of that broth (and freeze the rest for later, for whenever I need chicken broth or want to make a new soup) and add whole spinach leaves, including the stems, and swiss chard, sliced into thin strips, and I simmer that together with salt and pepper for about 10 minutes.  And I felt really good after eating it!