Cycle Day 4

This is always the easiest part of the cycle for me, when there's nothing to do, nothing to worry about, except to wait until my period ends and the ultrasounds start to see if any follicles are growing.  No possible pregnancy today, but no possible negative on a test, either, no need to check for spotting, no possible new bad news.

It's been so long, so many years and months and cycles of thinking about gearing up for a possible pregnancy or hoping for one or mourning the possibility of one yet again, that I can't even really remember what life was like when it was always like it is right now, at this easy part of the cycle, this tiny sliver of respite.

And I can't image what it will be like when I'm past this stage of life, either a parent or living child-free--I can't even imagine who I willl be then, since this has been the reality for so long, and since I feel like I've had to give up so much of my former life to focus so much of my energy on TTC in my 40s. 

I used to, simultaneously:

• Live in 2 countries, Japan (where T is from), and the US, where I'm from--spending about 4 months a year at home, 8 months a year in Japan
• Teach writing at the college level in the US
• Run my own writing company
• Run an award-winning global literary series
• Publish articles and essays in major publications

Now I'm just infertile.

I live full-time in Japan because the traveling is too hard on the effort to conceive.  I no longer teach.  I no longer run my literary series.  I no longer publish.

I go to the fertility clinic and struggle to communicate with the nurses and doctors in Japanese.  I try to exercise gently every day and meditate and fight off despair. I try to eat well.  I try to remember every day how lucky I am to be with my husband who I adore, and I try to love him well. I try to ovulate.

But at base, it feels like all I am is just infertile.

What's Getting Me Through Today:

• A new, pre-ovulation MP3 I downloaded from Anji online (http://www.anjionline.com/).  Don't love it but I like it.  It's calming and I like having something new to try and it's a nice variation to my standby favorite, the Bellaruth Naperstak MP3s.
• The new batch of "healing" soup I made based on a recipe from a Chinese Medicine cookbook called A Spoonful of Ginger (http://www.amazon.com/Spoonful-Ginger-Irresistible-Health-Giving-Kitchens/dp/0375400362), which I love. Basically, I simmer chicken pices (about 2 1/2 pounds, with bone) with smashed ginger (6 slices), smashed scallion (6 stalks), water (9 cups) and sake (1 cup) for 1 1/2 hours.  Then I take  serving or two of that broth (and freeze the rest for later, for whenever I need chicken broth or want to make a new soup) and add whole spinach leaves, including the stems, and swiss chard, sliced into thin strips, and I simmer that together with salt and pepper for about 10 minutes.  And I felt really good after eating it!

Cycle Days 2 & 3

Just home from dinner, and from 2 and 1/2 glasses of wine I allowed myself to have since at least I know for sure that I'm not pregnant.  Suddenly, having my period doesn't seem so bad.

What's Getting Me Through Today

Wine

My Question for Today

How much restriction can we put ourselves through if the effort to conceive last years? I've read all the stuff that says no caffeine, no alchohol, no white sugar, etc., and I can see the importance of this after ovulation or when you're actually pregnant, but seriously, how do you last years and years without any of this?

One of my IF saviors, who I mentioned in my last post, Bellaruth Naperstek, talks  in one of her meditations about the importance of accepting that you can't force anything to happen, that you can only invite it to occur in its own time, and in the meantime, all you can do is "live your life, fully and completely, taking gentle good care of yourself."  So how do I live a normal, full, joyful life when I'm constantly trying to restrict myself?

My solution has been to allow whatever I want during my period, and then 3 cups of coffee and 3 glasses of wine a week before ovulation, and then only one cup of tea and no alchohol (or just a sip here and there of DH's wine) after ovulation.

It's still not perfect, but it's my mid-way solution.  And of course I still feel guilty a lot of the time that I'm not cutting out, 100% of the time, everything anyone has ever said could compromise fertility...

Cycle Day 1

My first cycle of my 44th year starts now.  2nd cylce after my last failed IVF (my 4th).  3rd cycle after my last miscarriage (my 2nd).  31st cycle of trying, not counting months without blood due to IVF meds and 2 brief pregnancies.

The 1st cyle of our last year of trying, since my husband, T, and I have decided to try until my 45th birthday.

Two days since I broke down and took a home pregnancy test, which somehow always feels like a failure of character or strength.

Part of my doesn't even want to write about this last year of trying.  It feels like infertility has taken so very much out of me and I have nothing leftover to spend on creativity or expression.  But the other part of me can't bear to spend another year, this last year of trying, barren in both baby and words.

What's Getting Me Through Today

• A cup of coffee and a glass of wine, since during my period I allow myself a break from all the lifestyle restrictions that come with TTC at an "advanced maternal age."  I once read a book from a Chinese-medicine Dr who wrote that women should not pursue any fertility treatments during their periods, since it's a time to rest.  I doubt by that he meant for me to drink wine and coffee, but if I can't create a baby, at least I'll be creative with semantics.
• Circle & Bloom's CD1 recording (MP3) in their natural cycle fertility program.  Feel mixed about this program sometimes, but I love having a recording for every day, like a tiny slice of solace meant for each point in my cycle. (http://www.circlebloom.com/get-started/natural-cycle-fertility-program/)
• Bellaruth Napersak's MP3s.  I usually listen to the fertility ones, but sometimes during my period, I listen to the tracks of grief, actually.  Helps me feel like I'm moving on.  I really love her stuff: http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=11
• Yoga!  It's the one thing I've gotten out of this whole infertility experience that I know is a plus, no matter what the outcome.

What I'm Wondering about Today

How do we find positive things in this infertility experience, especially if it hasn't resulted in a baby?  Is there anything I can take from this will have actually made my life better?  So much of it is just sheer heartbreak, and sometimes I'm terrified I'll look back, at 45 when/if I give up then, and think, I spent 4 years of my life devoted to this effort, and what do I have to show for it?