Cycle Day 1

My first cycle of my 44th year starts now.  2nd cylce after my last failed IVF (my 4th).  3rd cycle after my last miscarriage (my 2nd).  31st cycle of trying, not counting months without blood due to IVF meds and 2 brief pregnancies.

The 1st cyle of our last year of trying, since my husband, T, and I have decided to try until my 45th birthday.

Two days since I broke down and took a home pregnancy test, which somehow always feels like a failure of character or strength.

Part of my doesn't even want to write about this last year of trying.  It feels like infertility has taken so very much out of me and I have nothing leftover to spend on creativity or expression.  But the other part of me can't bear to spend another year, this last year of trying, barren in both baby and words.

What's Getting Me Through Today

• A cup of coffee and a glass of wine, since during my period I allow myself a break from all the lifestyle restrictions that come with TTC at an "advanced maternal age."  I once read a book from a Chinese-medicine Dr who wrote that women should not pursue any fertility treatments during their periods, since it's a time to rest.  I doubt by that he meant for me to drink wine and coffee, but if I can't create a baby, at least I'll be creative with semantics.
• Circle & Bloom's CD1 recording (MP3) in their natural cycle fertility program.  Feel mixed about this program sometimes, but I love having a recording for every day, like a tiny slice of solace meant for each point in my cycle. (http://www.circlebloom.com/get-started/natural-cycle-fertility-program/)
• Bellaruth Napersak's MP3s.  I usually listen to the fertility ones, but sometimes during my period, I listen to the tracks of grief, actually.  Helps me feel like I'm moving on.  I really love her stuff: http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=11
• Yoga!  It's the one thing I've gotten out of this whole infertility experience that I know is a plus, no matter what the outcome.

What I'm Wondering about Today

How do we find positive things in this infertility experience, especially if it hasn't resulted in a baby?  Is there anything I can take from this will have actually made my life better?  So much of it is just sheer heartbreak, and sometimes I'm terrified I'll look back, at 45 when/if I give up then, and think, I spent 4 years of my life devoted to this effort, and what do I have to show for it?